Despite what women think, a guy’s mind doesn’t go blank when we have sex—though I can certainly see why my partners might think so, given my coital facial expressions. It certainly doesn’t look like there’s a lot of complex thought going on up there.
But dudes actually think about all kinds of things before, during, and after sex. Here are just a few of the thoughts most guys like me have during sex. Luckily, you also have the medical know-how from Roman’s resident sexual health expert, Dr. Michael Reitano, to tell you what to do if you have the same thoughts when you get down.
13 Thoughts (Most) Guys Have During Sex
- Where is the Clitoris?
- Premature Ejaculation
- The Missionary Position
- Am I Too Loud During Sex?
- Common Female Sexual Fantasies
- Nipple Stimulation and Orgasm
- Anal Sex is on the Rise
- The Female Orgasm
- The Male Orgasm
1. “Oh Wow. Is This Really Happening?”
No matter how many times I have sex, I’ll always be excited. And a little bit anxious tbh. These conflicting emotions meld together to create a vague sense of disbelief, especially when I’m “punching above my weight,” if you know what I mean.
Sex is (arguably) the coolest thing in the world, so when it happens—even if it’s not all that unexpected—I’m still in awe of it. And I always will be.
I adore vaginas, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t occasionally a little lost and confused. I think we can all agree that vaginas are more complex than dicks. It usually takes me a few moments of blind searching and tongue exploration (if we’re in the dark) to locate the clitoris, especially if it’s my first time, since every vagina is different (like awesome, awesome snowflakes).
The clitoris is actually a very large organ. The exposed part is just the tip
The Clitoris is Bigger Than You Think
Dr. Reitano points out a few things not every guy knows about the clitoris:
“The clitoris can be stimulated most intensely by direct manual or oral stimulation applied to the exposed portion. However, the clitoris has a hood over it and some women prefer to experience stimulation to the clitoral hood before gently pulling the hood back to allow direct stimulation to the clitoris. Explore this with your partner and judge by her reaction the amount of stimulation that is most pleasurable for her.”
3. “I Wonder What I Look Like Right Now”
“Am I making that stupid face again?” I wonder this all the time. Ironically, while I’m worrying about this, I probably make the face I make when I’m in deep thought about something, which is simply not a sultry look by any stretch of the imagination.
“Sex isn’t a performance,” cautions Dr. Reitano. “It’s a shared act during which giving and vulnerability are shared by partners in equal measure. If your mind wanders, focus on your partner’s pleasure.”
4. “Don’t Come Yet! Don’t Come Yet!”
This thought usually occurs sometime in the first five minutes because premature ejaculation is pretty high up on my list of sexual fears. I really don’t want to completely disappoint my partner.
On average, vaginal sex lasts 6 minutes
I start to think about baseball, which is a classic go-to for some reason, and occasionally I try and do some math problems. That helps. So do a few drinks, usually. But be careful with the booze. Too many of those and you’ll be trying to keep it up, not keep yourself from ejaculating too soon.
“One study timed men from the Netherlands, UK, Spain, Turkey, and the US to find out how long it took for men to ejaculate after their penis was inserted into the vagina. They even took note of condom use and circumcision.”
“The average time to ejaculation was about 6 minutes,” reports Reitano, noting that men from Turkey had the shortest time (4.4 minutes) and guys from Great Britain had the longest time (10 minutes). So congrats, limeys.
In a five-nation study, men from the UK lasted the longest during sex (avg. 10 minutes)
Reitano warns that “many men will experience an episode of orgasming before he and his partner might have preferred. By taking time to help a partner orgasm first the need to prolong sex for the partner’s satisfaction, while still present, is less compelling. This can reduce stress and lead to a longer time between entering and orgasming.”
5. “How Do I Change Positions?”
When I’m approaching premature ejaculation or the exhaustion that comes with prolonging a position like missionary, I like most people, like to change things up. Seriously though. For a guy, missionary is basically a 12-minute plank with random push-ups thrown in for good measure. It’s exhausting.
Position changes give me a break, set me up with a new vantage point and different sensations. But I never know if I should be like, “Hello, yes. Excuse me. Would you like to switch to Cowgirl? I’m about to cramp up over here while coming all over the place, so…”
Or should just use non-verbal cues? Maybe some combination of the two? No matter how you slice it, position changes can get awkward.
According to Dr. Reitano, “The missionary position is an underappreciated means for enjoying sex and giving pleasure to a partner. By maneuvering your position to one that rides up a bit higher it’s possible to reposition the penis so it glides along the clitoris as it moves in and out of the vagina. This provides direct stimulation to the clitoris, which can be very satisfying for a partner.”
He continues, “Conversely, by shifting down to a lower position it’s possible for the penis to run along the front of the vaginal wall as the penis glides in and out of the vagina. That allows the penis to stimulate the clitoris that runs inside the vagina along the front wall of the vagina and stimulates the G spot.”
“Changing positions is as important for the female as for the male,” warns Reitano. “Women will often have a preferred position or a series of preferences. Changing position needn’t be done with winks, nods, and sign language. Communication is key.”
“At any rate, there’s no need to feel awkward. Sex is so many things. It’s intimacy, expression, primal pleasure. It’s also play for adults. With a bit of communication there’s no reason why it can’t be all three,” concludes Reitano. However, he advises a little tact.
“You may not bring out the sex toys and velcro handcuffs on a first date, but suggestions about position changes is fairly tame and usually both expected and welcome.”
Should I be grunting or moaning? How often? How loudly? Do I talk dirty? If so, what the hell do I say? Should it be like a dirty comment that doubles as a compliment, or just something randomly dirty? Or worse, am I too quiet? It’s like a library in here. Should I just break the silence with a joke? Maybe a dirty limerick. Yeah, I’ll do that.
“There once was a girl from Nantucket…”
“Talking dirty is an acquired skill and a matter of taste. However, women have many of the same fantasies as men,” informs Reitano.
A study titled, “What Exactly is an Unusual Fantasy?” asked 1,516 adults to rank 55 different Sexual Fantasies (SF) and note which were their favorites. The most common female fantasies were:
- Feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship (92% of women surveyed)
- Atmosphere and location were important in the fantasy (86%)
- Performing fellatio (Oral sex) (79%)
- Being masturbated by a partner (71%)
- Masturbating her partner (68%)
- Being dominated by a partner (66%)
1/3 of women surveyed fantasized about having anal sex, being spanked, whipped, photographed, filmed, or having sex with two men
Doctor’s Note: Despite how common these fantasies are, you should never presume that any of these can be acted upon without the full consent of a sober, knowing person. Because someone explores certain sexual activities in the comfort of their imagination, doesn’t mean they’d ever act upon them.
“The nipple is also a sex organ, according to Retiano. “Mapping of the brain has demonstrated that when stimulated the sensations travel to the same part of the brain that is stimulated when the clitoris, vagina, or cervix are stimulated.”
MRI imaging confirms women can orgasm from nipple stimulation
“Also, women have reached orgasm from nipple stimulation and the brain mapping reveals it responds as a vaginal orgasm does,” according to Reitano. In fact, researchers used MRI imaging to confirm female orgasm with nipple stimulation. “The same mapping hasn’t been done on men, but there’s every reason to believe that it has some capacity to function as a source of sexual pleasure for men, as well,” concludes Reitano.
8. “Should We Try Some Butt Stuff?”
I sometimes wonder how she’d respond if I asked if she wanted me to put a finger or something in there during doggie style. Is posing this question flying too close to the sun? Will it ruin the mood? What if she puts something in my ass? I haven’t had my prostate stimulated yet, but I hear it’s a really great time.
When it comes to anal sex in the US, Reitano notes one simple trend. “The number of people engaging in anal sex is on the rise.” He cites a National Health Statistics Report on Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Identity in the United States that included information on the prevalence of anal sex practices from in-person interviews with 22,682 males and females aged 15–44 in the US. They found that:
37% of women and 45% of men ever had anal sex with an opposite-sex partner
And it’s easy to see why anal sex is growing in popularity. According to a 2009 National Survey of Sex and Behavior poll of nearly 2,000 adults (age 19-59), women reached orgasm 62% of the time with vaginal intercourse, 80% of the time when they received cunnilingus, and a whopping 91% of the time when they were penetrated anally.
But Reitano notes that fantasies and realities are different things. “Anal sex is a common female fantasy. However, acting on a fantasy on a first sexual encounter and trying it are worlds apart. It may be a female fantasy nearly a third of women share, but remember the anal canal is guarded by a tight muscle called the anal sphincter. The pain associated with improperly piercing the anal sphincter is severe.”
9. “Was that an Orgasm?”
Sometimes it’s tough to know for sure, and I’m not going to ask a woman right in the middle of everything (though I’ve been known to ask afterward). There have been times when I thought I’d done the job when I hadn’t. Which really takes the wind out of my post-coital sails. But I guess, the more you know…
“There is an orgasm gap between men and women,” warns Reitano. “Focus on her first. It isn’t sexist; it’s biology.” In fact, the same National Survey of Sex and Behavior found that “91 percent of men said they climaxed during their last sexual encounter, compared with just 64 percent of women.”
Women and men experience involuntary anal sphincter contractions when having an orgasm
If you’re still worried if she came or not, there’s a circuitous way to find out. “Women and men experience involuntary anal sphincter contractions when having an orgasm,” says Reitano. “It isn’t absolute, but this method is used to confirm orgasms in women during scientific studies.” In fact sphincter contractions are so reliable, they have it down to a science. “Contractions occur on average every 0.8 seconds during an orgasm,” notes Reitano.
Reitano is quick to point out that it isn’t all about orgasm. “Remember that sex can be a wonderful experience—even without an orgasm. Make it clear by being confident that you don’t need to hear if he or she has had an orgasm. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Part of the fun of sex is figuring out how best to do just that.”
10. “I Should Remember How I Did This”
I remember every compliment I’ve ever received in the sack—even tiny ones. In fact, whenever I receive any amount of positive reinforcement about a sweet sex move I just did, I immediately make a mental note. I want to remember exactly what I did so I can break it down afterward so I’ll know how to do it every subsequent time I have sex. Every time.
11. “OH MY GOD IM COMING AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZ(&$^&*@”
Orgasming is the one time in my life when all worry is literally swept from my mind. It’s one of the few feelings that I can’t put into words, and according to Dr. Reitano, that’s exactly what happens.
“The male brain shuts down during an orgasm, states Reitano. “Take a nap and enjoy those few fleeting minutes of quiet rest because it doesn’t last for long.”
12. “Sex Isn’t All that Important”
There’s this strange feeling—or lack of feeling—that happens right after sex, during the refractory period. My near-constant sexual desire is tamped down for a few minutes because I guess my hormones are so satisfied that they’ve taken a smoke break or something.
I think things like, “Well, that was pretty great, but why do I spend so much of my life trying to get laid? Just lying here with this nice lady is pretty awesome in and of itself. What else could I possibly need?” But this ends like 15 minutes later.
13. “Okay, Now What?”
I always wonder what I should do in the moments immediately following sex, especially if it’s my first time with someone. I don’t know what kind of post-coital activities (or lack thereof) she digs or doesn’t dig.
I’m always like, “Should we cuddle? We should cuddle, right? Or should I go to the bathroom and clean myself up first? You know, take off the condom and all of that, because it’d be really weird If I just laid here with a condom on, wouldn’t it? Should I sleep over? Do I want to? Does she want me to? Is she going to be upset if I don’t?”
Post Coital Anxiety
Reitano says that the way we act immediately after sex—after the hormones fade—can be more telling than our wanton abandon during:
“If you don’t feel you can continue being with her as you were before you had sex, you probably weren’t ready. Try going for a walk to picking up fresh donuts. Order in ribs and chicken wings, watch Game of Thrones—whatever you might have done had you not had sex. If you’re at a loss for something to do, that tells you something about your connection.”
13 Thoughts Guy Have During Sex
Sex is a wonderful, confusing, terrible, fantastic thing. And I kind of like that I can’t keep my thoughts straight. Here’s to letting my mind wander.
This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It should never be relied upon for specific medical advice. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to your doctor.